Some troubled students will reach out for help to peers, parents, and student mental health services. Some, however, will go it alone, due to the shame of feeling they have failed and fear of disappointing their parents. I have repeatedly seen students go off to university, flounder, and then take to sleeping the days away in their dorm room, not attending a single class. Often these isolated young adults will take to self-medicating with drugs and alcohol to feel “normal” and as a social camouflage so they are not found out by their peers to have mental health issues. This can set up a very dangerous situation and in the worst case scenario lead to impulsive, serious, self-harm behaviour.

So how can parents help ensure that their young adults at university are okay? The first step is for parents to make sure that their teen is ready to be at university. If high school was a struggle because of mental health issues, even if a teen was able to get the grades, it may be emotionally too much to be in university. Many parents fear that if their teens do not go to university directly from high school that they will never go. I have never seen this to be true. In fact, when a teen is not ready to go to university and does poorly, it can mar their chances of being accepted back and completing their degree. I have found that teens themselves usually know if they are ready to go to university. The best thing a parent can do is listen to their teen and accept where they are at, and possibly help the teen plan a gap year that will build their life skills and maturity.

For young adults with known mental health issues, it is important to set them up with emotional and academic supports while away at university. Encouraging these young adults to make contact with student mental health services at the start of the year is important, rather than waiting for a crisis to occur and then not being able to get in to be seen. It may also be useful for the teen to contact the university special needs office to apply for academic accommodations if they have documented learning issues, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or significant mood and anxiety symptoms.

The most important thing for parents to do to help ensure their kids at university are okay is to keep open lines of communication and a non-judgmental stance. Teens will not reach out to their parents for help if they feel they will be criticized or that they will disappoint their parents. Teens may encounter bumps in the road at university. Parents are best to provide a listening ear and help their teen problem solve and make good decisions for themselves so they can ultimately achieve their goals.

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Depression in teenagers wears many masks. It can look like prickly irritability and defiance or not caring anymore about school and failing grades. It can look like staying up half the night on the computer and not wanting to get up in the morning. It can look like drug and alcohol abuse. It is so easy to get caught up in the fight and struggle of trying to get your teen to do what they are supposed to do and miss the signs. If you are struggling with your teen, you are not going to get anywhere. Most teens with depression won’t tell you what’s wrong, unless of course they have Googled their symptoms on the Internet.

If irritability is prominent, they will think that you, their parent, caregiver, teacher or coach are the problem. They might demand that you leave them alone. Don’t. They don’t mean it. They just don’t want to feel like a disappointment and failure. As difficult as it can be, it so important to try to find some way to remain empathic. Keep your anger in check, find an olive branch and try to build a connection with your teen. He or she needs you on their side.

Having a depressed teen in the house can cause a great deal of parental stress and family turmoil, especially when the teen’s behaviour is seen as “bad” and not understood to be related to the symptoms of depression. You have to remain empathic, even though that can be very hard. Stepping out of the struggle, trying to maintain open lines of communication with your teen and communicating unconditional love and acceptance are important first steps in helping your teen accept that there is a problem and getting him or her the help they need.

This post first appeared on aliveandawake.ca.

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