The holidays are not a joyful time for all. For many, they may be a painful reminder of lost loved ones, including a baby. Perinatal loss is unique in that you grieve for the future and for the memories that you did not have the opportunity to make with the deceased baby. Here are a few tips to cope at this time:
- Establish a holiday tradition in your baby’s memory
- Give a holiday donation or give back in another way to a charitable organization in your child’s name
- Decorate or visit the gravesite
- Name a star, light a candle, or purchase a wreath/plant in baby’s name
- Acknowledge the holiday to the extent that you wish.
- Consider shopping online or with help from family
- Give yourself permission to limit decorating or social gatherings
- Share mementos of your child with friends or family
- Take care of yourself
- Plan relaxation time, exercise, or engage in a creative activity
- Take a vacation! Perhaps for the first year or two following the loss, it is best for you to be away and/or not participate in certain holiday activities
- Spend time with another grieving family
- If you are participating in therapy, consider an appointment at this time to process your emotions
- Ask for what you need
- Inform trusted friends and family about how this holiday season is different for you
- Ask someone else to host or inform others of your limitations in terms of contributing to any gathering this year
- Perhaps write this in a letter or appoint a person to communicate a message to others about what is helpful and what is unhelpful to you
- Consider siblings
- If your baby has any siblings, consider their need to maintain certain traditions
- As appropriate, communicate to them about any changes that you intend to make in terms of celebrating this year
- As appropriate, involve them in any new holiday traditions in baby’s memory
- Give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions are coming forward
- Anger, sadness, or resentment are more strongly felt by some at the holiday season and that’s okay. It is also okay to feel joy. You are entitled to laugh and feel happiness.
A few tips for friends and family too:
- Acknowledge the loss. Perhaps you just merely need to find a time to tell them “I am thinking of you”. Consider that silence or “business as usual” at a holiday family gathering can be perceived as dismissal, fear, or abandonment.
- Don’t forget about dad. He is grieving too.
- Be patient and kind. Limit your expectations of your loved one to be cheerful or to participate in family gatherings.
