Because that is what it is. A rollercoaster ride.
When we were told our baby would most likely be delivered prematurely we were spoken to about the NICU, where we were told Aaliyah would spend a couple months until she was a “full term” baby. The experience was described as a rollercoaster ride. It was also described as feeling as if you are taking 2 steps forward and 1 or sometimes 3 steps back.
At the time I didn’t think about it and said “Okay, that won’t be us.” Well, I was wrong. No one ever thinks that it will happen to them. I was humbled, for lack of a better term.
THE ROLLERCOASTER RIDE
UP: First Cuddles a couple days after birth: holding her close skin to skin. Feeling her live tiny body next to mine was the greatest feeling. I was scared to hold her at first but couldn’t wait every day after that.
ULTIMATE LOW/Twist & Turns: At the two week mark, like a giant unexpected drop and turn, Aaliyah developed a serious bowel infection called necrotizing enterocolitis. This was the lowest part of our stay at the NICU. It was heart wrenching to see this little precious girl go through it. We hung on to every little bit of positive feedback from nurses we could get. Comments like “wow, she is feisty” gave us hope. We analyzed their facial expressions as they examined our little girl … LOOKING FOR ANYTHING TO HOLD ON TO. How did it happen so fast? She was doing so well! It is truly the scariest thing I have ever had to deal with.
Steady & UP: About 5 days later the docs told us she was recovering. YAY! I celebrated but only on the inside.
After this I was so cautious. When people asked me how she was I would reply “she is okay” or “she is stable”. I would be afraid to say that she was “well” or “great”. I was afraid to say it and afraid to believe she was going to be okay. Well, I definitely believed but only on the inside. I thought that if I let myself believe out loud I would be wrong. I didn’t even like receiving gifts for her. Even when nurses would speak about “when Aaliyah goes home” I would get this flash of anxiety. As exciting as that thought was, I didn’t want to talk about that, just in case it didn’t happen. I reserved myself. Didn’t want to get my hopes up unless there was a guarantee that Aaliyah would be coming home. This was the worst part of the experience. Holding back from feeling joy and celebrating the milestones because you are preoccupied with what will happen next. All any parent wants, I think, is to get a guarantee that their baby is going to be okay.
The journey at the NICU was more steady, on the up, after that, but I still remained guarded. I had more questions and paid more attention. Aaliyah returned to a “sleep and grow” state. So on a day to day basis we rode up and down on the subtle peaks and valleys of the coaster.
Although my pregnancy was not exactly what some may call smooth, I learned to enjoy the experience that was offered to me. In the NICU, just like on a rollercaster ride, although it’s scary and crazy, it can also be fun and exciting. The wonderful people that work there help you learn to celebrate the mini milestones, one day at a time. Some times one hour at a time. I recognize that I got a lot of positive things through the experience. I was able to enjoy my daughter and build a strong bond with her. I was able to learn her patterns and behaviour and learned about her needs and wants. I was able to sit and literally watch her grow from day to day. How wonderful! How rich! Although the ride was painful, scary, exciting, joyous, happy, and sad I learned a lot from my little girl. She is the strongest, most determined person I know. We enjoyed the ride.
“A person is a person no matter how small.” ~ Dr. Seuss
The NICU MOTTO!
Thanks to grad mom Sabrina for sharing her story and these beautiful photos of Aaliyah with us.
