A few weeks ago, I was having a nice chat with a new NICU mother, when she suddenly said, “I feel like I was a bad mother even before my baby was born. I couldn’t get pregnant and couldn’t stay pregnant. Everything a mother is supposed to do I failed at. I feel so guilty.”
My first reaction was, of course, to rush in with denials. There was nothing to feel guilty about! She was a great mom! She hadn’t caused her baby’s early arrival! But at the same time I understood where she was coming from, because I had felt the same way myself when my daughter was born at 25 weeks. I would hazard a guess that most parents in the NICU are carrying a similar burden of guilt.
It would not have been helpful for me to say to this mom, “Don’t feel guilty,” as if guilt were a tap that could easily be turned off or on.
So what else can be said?
I think it’s good to acknowledge how common these feelings of guilt are, and what we can do when we start feeling them. A little bit of guilt can be inspiring. It can get us up in the middle of the night to pump, it can help us choose healthful food, or it can help us manage long hours in a hospital room.
The trick is to recognize when guilt stops being helpful. Is it keeping us from appreciating our new baby? Is it preventing us from feeling any joy? Is it keeping us awake at night? Is guilt getting in our way and keeping us from living life the way we want?
Let’s put some practical strategies in place for those times when guilt is overwhelming. Some find it helpful to journal through these feelings of guilt, deliberately balancing every guilty feeling with a positive statement. Something like, “I feel guilty because my baby was born too soon”, balanced with, “I know my baby really well and I am a good parent.” Some find cognitive therapy helpful, or mindfulness meditation practice. Some connect with sympathetic nurses, some find support from social workers in the unit, and some find peer support most helpful.
Try reframing the story to recognize what went right. When I was talking with the mom mentioned above, we ended up discussing CaptainChesley “Sully” Sullenberger, who successfully landed an airplane on the Hudson River, saving everyone on board. He didn’t get the airplane to an airport or even a highway, but he did get it to a safe place that was good enough. And he was acclaimed as a hero! So perhaps he is a hero that a parent in the NICU can identify with; we may not have been able to get our babies all the way, but we brought them as far as we could.
When I find myself feeling guilty, I also think about some wise words shared by one of our graduate moms: “The only thing I can do is the best I can do. No more and no less. I told myself this every day at the NICU so that I didn’t feel overwhelmed and out of control in a life that I had no power over.” That mantra helped her get through her NICU stay and beyond. (You can read more of her marvelous post here at “10 things I know are true.”)
So if you feel guilt has a grip on you, take these steps. Recognize it, talk about it with loved ones or NICU support people, find strategies that help you feel better, and remember above all that you are not alone. You may not be able to turn it off, but you can manage the impact it has on your life, and you can keep it from getting in the way of your relationship with your new baby.
Do you have any tips for dealing with guilt? Please share in the comments. Thanks to the graduate parents who participated in creating this blog post and gave permission for me to refer to our conversations.
I felt guilty the moment I knew my daughter might not survive. At 24 hours old, my parents scolded me (a 25 year old) saying that if she died, it would be my fault. Therapy and blogging have never helped. I stay home with her even now that she is two because I fear leaving her. I gave her her a false start…but each day is a different day. I have been diving into hobbies but I wish things helped! It won’t ever go away 🙁
What was said to you is simply not true. Sometimes our loved ones say the wrong thing because it’s easier, on some level, for them to be able to assign blame for everything. It’s hard for them to accept that difficult things happen to good people for no reason. That simple truth makes many people scared. So now you are left carrying all this bad feeling for something that was not your fault. I’m sorry that this happened, and I’m truly sorry that therapy did not help. Could it have been that the therapist was not a good fit? Not everyone understands this kind of trauma. Sometimes the best therapist is someone experienced with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). I urge you to take another shot at it, because you deserve to feel happy and good again.