This guest post comes from Patricia, mom to lovely Abigayle. You can read more of her writing at her blog, Princess Abigayle’s Story. We thank Patricia for sharing her story and her great writing with all of us.
Relationships are hard, but even harder if you are experiencing life in a NICU. While reading more information about random premature baby things, my husband discovered an article and e-mailed it to me. It simply stated that one (if not both) parents of a child in an NICU often lose relationships. Many reasons were listed as well as some examples of what happened to end those relationships.
The problem is that many people you know have not experienced life in an NICU. No one truly understands your heartache or your stress. There is really no one to rely on (except my angel who I will get to in a later post!) and there’s really no one to talk to. Facebook and some Level 3 NICUs have support groups set up and most nurses are pretty helpful; however, when you leave there’s really no one to bounce a question or concern off of.
So what is the problem? The problem is when people don’t understand they simply say stupid things. Hurtful things. It could be a grandparent, aunt, uncle or just a friend. The inappropriate comments stem from the fact that they don’t understand. For example:”Geez she is very small. Hopefully she gains some weight.” “Well at least she is alive.” “It could be worse.” “I don’t need to wash my hands. The child has to build an immunity somehow.” “She will get bigger.”
Statements like these can be taken the wrong way and be hurtful to the parents in the NICU. If you’re like me, you deal with them by ignoring them and deleting them out of your life. Others would talk to the person and tell them what they said is hurtful (which may be more productive). Asking them to be respectful is also productive.
It’s hard to imagine that so many parents in the NICU lose a friend or family member and that relationship, but it happens. Looking back I can’t say I would do things differently, but I know I would have tried harder. I lost a lot of friends and family including a college friend most recently on Facebook. It was simply over a comment on one of Abigayle’s pictures.
If you are in the NICU or recently discharged here is some advice when dealing with people who say things that are hurtful.
- Step back and breathe.
- Remember that the person more than likely never set foot in an NICU before and probably doesn’t know anyone else who has other than you.
- Be positive. Your baby needs to you be.
- Shake it off but talk to someone more knowledgable about the situation. (You can always get them banned – I was close!)
All I can say is that your baby needs you more than you need that other person. Be strong and carry on!
Are we not getting over-sensitive here?